Behind Closed Doors
by lemonmartinis
Summary: "I'm not sure what I am doing here or how to do this." Two people discover each other and themselves behind closed doors.
1. Chapter 1

**Stephenie Myers owns all things twilight but I own a Do Not Disturb door hanger that I stole from Twi Con 2010**

**Behind Closed Doors**

I sit here waiting for you at the bar of agreed hotel anxious and very nervous. I feel slightly insecure for a number of reasons, my age, looks, breast size, and lack of sexual experience. These thoughts float through my head and constantly makes me want to bolt, but curiosity and sexual desire hold me glued to the bar stool. I'm wearing a short, flouncy skirt and a top that is low enough to reveal the beginning of the cleavage my see- thru push up bra gives me. After painstakingly debating whether or not to wear panties in the end I decide that the lace boy shorts make me feel so much more sexy than going commando. My first lemon martini dulls my anxiety.

I see you weave your way through the bar crowd, in your shirt and tie (although, I prefer men in jeans and untucked shirts. Just saying). My heart rate picks up because of both nerves and excitement. As your eyes meet mine, the hunger in them thrills and also scares me a bit.

The tension in the air is thick between us so you order a bottle of champagne. I love the way the bubbles fizz and pop in my mouth and how it loosens me up even more.

After all the small talk is out of the way, you lean over and whisper in my ear, "I can't wait to see what you're wearing under that skirt and to kiss you all over."

The buzz of the alcohol loosens my filter

Just the simple combination of those words and some wiggling on the bar stool and I feel like I could have an O right there. You smirk and top off our glasses.

Embolden by your confidence and the champagne I place my hand on your thigh and softly say, "And I can't wait to have you in my mouth."

The buzz of the alcohol makes my thoughts leave my lips before my filter and shyness can contain them.

Your eyes darken with desire and you take a long sip of your champagne than lick your lips.

"I'm not sure what I am doing here or how to do this," I confess and I know I'm blushing.

You stand up abruptly and pull me with you. As you lead me to the elevator, your hand firmly grabs my ass and my lower stomach clenches sending vibrations all the way down _there_.

As soon as the elevator door closes you have me against the wall with your hands on either side of my head and you press yourself into me. I can feel you and your belt buckle and its secretly exciting that I can make blood rush to those places. You lean down and your lips go to my ear. Your breath is hot against my skin as you whisper, "No thinking. Just feeling."

Your kiss is soft and our lips stick to each other as we open our mouths. The kiss becomes more frenzied and there is no space between us now. I feel every inch of your 6'1, 190 lb frame. As the elevator starts to stop you pull away and say unabashedly," I have been waiting for that for to fucking long."

My breathing is so out of control. As people pour into the elevator you pull me in front of you, one hand resting on my hip bone. You hold me tight against you and my ass never loses contact with your erection. It's as if you realize that me knowing I can do that to you bolsters my confidence in my own sexuality.

We reach our floor and you gently push me out of the elevator grabbing my hand once we leave it and pull me to our room. I'm shaking and looking down at my feet. "Hey," you say, tilting my face up, "you're amazing and I want this. _Do you?_ We can leave now and that's fine if that's where your heads at. I _want_ you and if we walk through that door I will _have_ you. So tell me... what is it that you wish?"

I don't speak as I think about his words and what lies behind those doors. My internal debate gives me whiplash. This is the point of no return for either no matter what decision I make. The flutterings deep within and the ache between my legs, win the tug of war between nerves and desire. I want this.

_I really want this._

"I want to know what you're thinking. Say it out loud."

I try to move my head up and down but your hand holds it in place and in that moment what I crave is your control over me. I need you to take what you desire. I want you to make the decisions. I shake my head slightly but you shake yours back. "I want to hear you say it!" Your voice is firm and your grip increases slightly. Your confidence and control makes my body feel dizzy and butterflies float down between my legs. I lick my lips and your mouth drops open slightly.

"Yes, I want this," I whisper.

You don't release me right away instead your other hand floats up my other arm, over my shoulder, onto my collar bone and starts to drift down to the line between my breasts. My breath falters. You lean in for another kiss and whisper against my lips, "Thats fucking fantastic."

The door opens and you guide me in. I stop at the sight of the large white bed in front of me. You stride to the bed and sit looking at me with eyes glazed with lust.

"Come here," you call to me as you sit on the edge of the bed.

My heartbeat is so loud in my ears and I feel the blood whooshing through them.

I stop in front of you and you command me, "Closer".

I scoot between your legs and your hands grab my ass and starts to firmly knead it.

You pull me closer and your mouth goes below my belly button. My hands rest on your shoulders so I can support myself as your hands move to my front and underneath my skirt.  
>I try to pull back, but you grip me tighter. "Don't." Your tone is husky, controlling and hot.<p>

My eyes are closed as your thumbs reach the top of my panties. As you pull them down, you kiss my stomach and order me to open my eyes. As I do, I look down into your face and see you're breathing just as hard as me. You have my panties just below my ass and you stop to squeeze my buns. I am so turned on that I can feel the constant vibrations of my insides, humming to your touch. Your fingers glide over my sex and as your hands meet smooth skin, you groan, "Fuck, kiss me"

I lean down to reach your mouth, and in doing so my skirt rides up leaving me bared-ass, allowing you to ghost your hand down my backside.

I shiver from the sensations.

Your tongue gently licks my lips and enters my mouth. You suck on my bottom lip, gently taking it into your own as a finger slides between my legs barely touching me there but enough so that I gasp.

You slap my ass just enough for a sting which enhances the heat between my legs.

You break the kiss and stand up. My shirt is the next to come off and as you drop it to the floor you grip my breasts in your hands momentarily, your thumbs ghost over my nipples and a soft "damn" leaves your lips as they become firm.

As you move to unhook my bra I feel myself tensing. My breasts are small and my insecurity over them starts to overwhelm me. The moment they are released from their restraints your hands are squeezing and massaging them. Because you are fully dressed my nakedness feels more naked.

"Perfect mouthful," you whisper between us.

I wrap my arms around your neck for support and in gratitude for your gentleness and kindness. You take my hardened nipples in your fingers and slowly and gently roll them. I can't help the moan that escapes my mouth and my breathing is more of a pant as you tenderly push on my nipples and wiggle them with your finger. My eyes roll back in my head and I am so close from just the feel of your hands on my body, but suddenly you stop. My eyes fly open at the loss of touch.

"Get on the bed, baby." You slap my ass again. "And I want you to climb up on the bed on your hands and knees very slowly," he directs.

My legs hardly work but I get on the bed. "Fuck, baby, do you know how badly I want to plow into you right now," you say as you slip one finger inside me and stroke my g-spot. I groan louder than I mean to.

Suddenly you push me down and flip me over. As you hover over me you tell me in an explicit detail what you intend to do to me.

"I'm going to handcuff you to the bed, take you slowly in my mouth, and make you cum so hard you can't fucking breath ." Your mouth is on me as you force my lips apart and plunge your tongue into my mouth.

_**HIS**_** POV**

I grab both of your thin wrists with my large hands and pull them over your head towards the headboard. I lean over you, pressing my forearm onto your wrists to immobilize your arms while I get the handcuffs in place. Even though I've had them in my pocket the whole time, the steel feels cold  
>and hard as it makes contact with your wrist. You are waiting in anticipation, as I click the retainer ring around your wrist. I see your breath flutter with each click, so I prolong this tightening. The ring<br>closes around your wrist, just tight enough so you can feel it. I pull your other arm into place and lock it down. Just the anticipation of me touching you and you not being able to move seems to bring you closer to the edge.

Once I get you into position, I start by kissing your belly while one hand goes up to your perfect breasts. Your nipples are hard and your skin is slightly rippled with goosebumps. Your skin feels cool on against my palm as I glide between your breasts and I start to cup one and give a light pinch to your nipple. My mouth moves north to your ribs – my hand tracing a line along the side of your breast as my lips make their move to your left nipple. My warm breath sends a chill over your body.  
>You writhe on the bed, raising your hips in an effort to get some attention. I take a break from sucking your nipples to kiss your lips to continue the playful torture a bit longer.<p>

I remove my tie and wrap it around your head, covering your eyes. This quickens your breathing, as you squeeze your thighs together. One second, my warm hands are on your breasts, the next, it's my wet lips, cooling your nipples with a soft puff of air after each loving lick. Soon you feel my hand moving gently down your belly. Your heels push against the bed as you lift your bottom against my hand. You are open and waiting for me. I love how willing you are. I harden even more looking at you beneath me.

A quick breath against the smooth skin between your legs makes you moan but when you feel my mouth kiss the top of your lips, you suck in your breath sharply. Two of my fingers start to part you exposing your clit. I kiss it, then circle it with my tongue. You arch your back up against me, hoping to put some pressure on it. As you do this, I slowly slide my index finger inside your waiting space until my knuckle bumps you in the perfect place. This sends a shudder through your body so I slowly withdraw my finger and push two inside. I can tell by your movements that this makes you feel full inside. I gently but firmly push my fingers deeper into you. I turn my hand over and start to curl my fingers inward, my thumb pressing on where I know you are most sensitive. With each push, the pressure gets greater, and as I pull back, my fingertips hit your g-spot.

I'm on a mission to give you the best fingerbang of your life. The rhythm pulls you close to the edge and your breaths become pants. My other hand gently rubs your cheek, relaxing you. Your insides clench up, and as I increase the speed of my thrusts, your mouth opens, but all you can manage is a slight, breathless "please". You start to spasm around my fingers. As my fingers push in, you pull on the handcuffs and moan loudly.

You feel the pressure of my index finger on your tiny asshole. I slowly push my finger into your ass. You gasp, as your ass cheeks clench around my finger, but it is too late - my finger is already inside. . . Your pussy tightens up and again you orgasm on my hand.

I withdraw all of my fingers and I kiss you softly on your lips for a brief moment before I leave a wet trail of kisses and nips towards your ear "Is it my turn yet?" I whisper as my warm  
>hands squeeze your breasts...<p>

You nod your head yes.

"Where do you want me ?" I ask as I remove the blindfold.

_**HER POV**_

"I want you in my mouth," I say shyly and I hope you will release me from the handcuffs. "I want to undress you, touch you, and make you groan with pleasure." You start to unbutton your shirt and I beg you, "Let me."

You undo the handcuffs and rub my wrists gently, kissing each one. I feel sated and content. A lazy smile slowly spreads on my face. You lean down and kiss me gently on the lips. I sit up slowly to rest on my knees.

"Come sit here," I instruct and when you do I straddle your lap.

I wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you slowly. Your hands run down my back and squeeze my ass. I slowly unbutton your shirt to reveal an undershirt. _Why do you have to wear so many layers?_ I pull the hem of your white shirt and as I lift my arms to remove it, you catch my right breast in your mouth and suck gently on the nipple.

I toss the shirt then grab your face, angling it to me. I kiss your mouth loving the feel of your stubble on my lips. I wrap my legs around your waist and I can feel your hardness pressing against me. I rock back and forth and you mutter, "Fuck."

I push you back against the bed and I lean over you. My breasts are swaying and your hands come up and cup them. Your fingers bring my nipples erect again. I lean over suck your earlobe softly and move slowly down your jaw and chest. I lick your nipples and lightly bite them taking an equal amount of time with each one. The low hums and your bucking hips make me smile knowing you are so ready to be deep inside me.

I quickly undo your belt and pull it out of your pants. I take my hand and rub your length over the lightweight wool of your suit pants.

"Oh God!" you moan.

Fumbling with the opening you try and push my hands away. I insist and finally reach the zipper and yank hard on it making sure my hand rubs your erection.

Your briefs are already wet with your desire for me. I hook my hands under the elastic of your underwear. "Lift your ass," I command and you comply and you spring out. Your pants and underwear slide down to your knees. Before I let you kick them off completely, I grab your penis in my hand and slide it up and down a few times watching as you close your eyes and moan again.

Your pants finally end up on the floor.

I take you in my left hand, keeping eye contact , I lick the entire length of it making sure to pay attention to the slit at the tip. Your hand comes up and rubs my breast as your breathing becomes a grunt. I take you in my mouth and suck gently. I come to the tip and swirl my tongue over it. Now that it is wet with my saliva, I pump you hard and fast a few times, your hips bucking as a few 'shits' leave your lips.

I lean back down and slowly take your balls gently into my mouth as I slide my finger over your anus.

Your groans are driving me now. I love making you sound so guttural. I lean back on the bed and you look at me questioningly. "Kneel over me. I want you to fuck my mouth."

As you begin to thrust I take you deep into my throat, each plunge producing a gag that squeezes your length. You speed up and with a cry I feel your warm, salty cum slide down my throat. I grab your penis and lick your head making sure to watch you shiver with pleasure as I look you in the eye.

You fall onto the bed next to me heaving.

I roll over to you, kissing you as you wrap your arm around me. I lay my head in the crook of your shoulder and slowly my lids become to heavy for me.

I wake up and realize it must be early morning.

You have yourself wrapped around me. In this moment of entwined limbs and covers I feel safe and sexy.

Slowly I untangle myself. I close the door to the bathroom relieving myself I look in the mirror. I feel sexier and love that I have swollen lips as visible proof of the memories I have made.

I dress quickly and quietly and lean over to kiss you on the cheek. "Goodbye," I whisper hoping he doesn't wake before I can leave.

I head to the elevators.

I have a long drive ahead of me.

I'll wait to hear when our next meet up is but I hope it's soon.

xo

**A/N This is just a story I've had running around in my head. Thank you for reading this. If you don't mind taking a moment to review I would love for you to share your thoughts and also let me know if you would like to see this story continue.**

**I need to thank two people I love to roll in the grass with. Stephk0525 thank you for pre reading and giving me awesome feed back! Suize55 what can I say? You pushed me and and hung with me. And you made a bad ass banner that made me cry and horny at the same time. I'm just bummed that I won't get to lick any shot glasses with you all at comic con.**

**Cum play with me on twitter lemonmartinis**

**mwah and all that xo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Stephenie Myers owns all things Twilight. I did run in a Triathlon yesterday.**

**The song for this Chapter is by Christine Perri -Distance**

**Remember all may not be as it seems**

Chapter 2

My car is cold from being in the garage so I crank up the heat. _Am I shivering from the cold or because of what I have just done?_

The sun begins to rise from the curtain of darkness and given the humidity already, I can tell it's going to be a hot day.

I scan my GPS for a Starbucks, and then drive straight to it. After I burn my tongue trying to suck down the coffee while pulling out of the parking lot, I hit the highway. Of course, I have a long way to drive because the hotel had to be close to your work. _Your_ work.

I glance in my rear view mirror, and groan at my face and hair. I'll have a few minutes to shower and change before heading into work at Newton's Garden in a Flowerpot. The owner and I were high school buddies, so when I wanted to earn some money of my own, he had offered me a job. On some days, the teenagers working there make me feel older. That's when the regret of lost youth washes over me. Most days, though, I'm glad I am done with that stage of my life. I'd fallen victim to the mean girls and the awkwardness of not knowing who I was. Now, I am self-assured and they are probably bullies on twitter.

This is where the problem begins. My self-confidence and willingness to do things on my own has been the instigation of why I'm sneaking into a hotel hoping to find a spark with someone… a connection.

My phone is silent beside me. I keep telling myself that I'm not going to look at it to see if you have texted me, but it's like a train wreck; I don't want to look, but once I do, I can't look away.

I pull into the driveway and notice _he's_ left the porch light on. This tells me no one is home, and I'm grateful for the time alone. I need time to just let my thoughts have space to wander and not have to concentrate on conversation.

After a fast, but very hot shower, I dress quickly and throw my hair into a ponytail. I like to keep it simple so all I wear to work is some sunscreen, facial powder, mascara and lip-gloss. My look is different than last night, less dramatic and not as sexy. But it's probably a good thing since I'll be hauling dirt and manure around_._

Pouring myself a cup of coffee, I stand in front of the window overlooking the deck. Where were we? What's happened? How did I get here?

I remember the first time I was with him. He was thin, wearing a plaid shirt, and playing the piano.

Every time he would touch me I'd feel the waves of muscles contracting, rolling down my body like waves on a beach. I couldn't get enough of him; sneaking away for heavy make-out sessions that always ended up with one or both of us climaxing. The long kissing sessions that felt like my soul, as well as my mouth, were being invaded and conquered.

I rinse my cup and place it in the dishwasher. I'm going to be late if I don't get a move on, but I can't find my keys. _He_ always knows where my keys are. After hunting for a long time, I find them lying on the front seat of my car.

My time at the Nursery is physical work that leaves me plenty of time to think. Of course, we have the rush of rich women coming in to buy plants for their gardeners to plant for them. Their heels sink in the soft soil and they try to act nonchalant as I lead them the wettest way to the plants. Their blue white hair is teased, and their faux blush is just a bit too bright as it sinks into the wrinkles formed from years of sailing or hanging out at the yacht club. Nevertheless, I prefer the wrinkles to the fake plastic smiles and unmoving skin with eyes permanently wide in surprise. I know money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure allows one to numb the pain in style.

A delivery of the summer annuals takes up most of the afternoon. The work is light and the customers who do come in today are some of my favorites. Mike buys us a late lunch and we sit in the cramped office with the rotary fan giving us moments of coolness.

After pulling in the carts and cashing out the register, it's time for the drive home. Unlike last night when I drove quickly while my mind filled with anticipation and thoughts of sex with you- I find myself taking the long way home, not yet ready to greet him. As I pull in the driveway and the garage door opens, my shoulders sag at the sight of his car. Before I even take the keys away from the ignition, he is waiting for me at the door, not realizing I just want to be alone.

I had to be nice to people all day, always upbeat, and now I just want to walk inside, play on my computer for a bit, watch TV, and not really have to think or have to respond.

He pulls me into a hug and says how much he missed me today. I hug him back and murmur, "I love you too." I feel safe and loved in his arms in that moment. Then, images from last night flash: handcuffs… lips…breasts…a firestorm of touches on my body. I wonder if safe is enough.

"What do you want to do tonight?" he asks as we start fixing dinner together. I mention that I wanted to meet a friend at the gym. His face falls and he starts again about spending time together. I invite him to join my friend and me to work out, but he reminds me he would rather play basketball than run in place. "If I can't see a progress in the form of points, what's the use of exercise?" I've heard this from him many times.

The silence is awkward and the conversation seems to be forced.

"How was your day?" I ask hoping that he'll begin his long description, and it will free me up from having to be an active participant in this conversation. I've learned to listen while letting my mind wander.

I love that he was a hard worker and didn't depend on his family's wealth. He worked hard in medical school and even managed a few mission trips to Mali and Sudan. I love watching him interact with his friends – loving the quick wit and deep laugh. He can sit down and play a piano anywhere - always the life of a party and the center of attention.

I use to love hearing about his days at the hospital. The interactions of the staff, the politics of management, and patients he either struggled with, or ones that delighted him. I would soak it up like a sponge, but that was when my life was only about him. I have my own dreams and desires now along with regrets about what I haven't done.

It was my loneliness that propelled me into my new found freedom and happiness, as well as new friends to chat with. He is busy with work even when he's home: the calls and the computer time. Out of boredom, I found new friends through new hobbies and gym classes. They encourage me, call me, and value me. When I started moving forward- venturing out to new places, his neediness began. _That's_ when he wanted to do things with me;_ that's_ when my companionship became so valuable. What use to be suddenly wasn't enough…he wanted more.

I am drowning under this weight.

We sit down to eat and I can tell something is bothering him. I have a feeling I know what is. I keep saying to myself that I'm not going to ask him because I don't want to have this same discussion again. But I've never been one to avoid the truth so I ask him, and I'm right. It's the same old song and dance.

I've decide that to respond to him only invites more discussion, so I listen. He goes on about his love for me and how I've changed. He wouldn't change that I've changed but he is comfortable with the change. _The thing is_ I think to myself _love lets go and you are pulling tighter._

Just as I'm ready to cave into myself, my friend calls. I'm so thankful because it's refreshing to talk to her, all sunlight and fizz ; like the first penetration of champagne in your mouth. She wants to meet up for a beer sometime this week and I readily accept. I make sure I don't look at his face while I'm talking with her. I don't want to see his disappointment, his sadness. She animates me, and I can sense his pain of knowing she makes me smile while he can't.

I leave for the gym telling him I'll try to hurry, but even saying that fills me with resentment.

The sweat that pours off me is like a balm and I relish this time; the easy banter with my friend, and my slight flirtation with the trainers.

As I push my muscles and my heart, I think back to the sex from last night. It makes me want to work harder. I want to look sexy and hot for you. I think about you the whole time I'm at the gym- totally getting turned on.

On the way home, I get a text from you:

**Next Wed. night Hilton rm 203. Wear the nipple clamps.**

I'm shaking as I reply and realize I'm turned on more- with that one text -than any interaction I have had with him today. I walk into the house and he is gone, and a note lets me know that he has been summoned back to the hospital.

I quickly walk upstairs and put the shower on. I need a release so I take my vibrator in with me.

As I pump the thick, hard rubber in and out of me, I think of what you did to me and how you made me feel… I come hard and fast with my legs shaking.

I'm in that _in-between_ state of sleep when I hear him come in and slide beneath the covers. I'm glad he is here and I turn on my side so he can scoot in behind me; we fit together perfectly. He kisses my neck softly telling me he loves me. Right before I drift off to sleep, I wonder why he isn't enough for me and why I need Wednesday nights.

A/N I have 3 sexy ladies who make me so much better. I hope this time I spell their twitter names right :)

Suzie55 Thanks for my kick ass banner and for holding my hand through this. I love you!

Stephk0525 Thank you my friend for making me a better pre reader by how you pre read for me. Love you tons.

Robin my beta – when you said yes you didn't think it would be this much work. Thank you darling.

I'm on twitter Lemonmartinis

Thanks for reading and it makes me all sparkly when you leave a review.


	3. Chapter 3

**Stephenie Myers owns all things Twilight. **

**I own -shoot I can't think of anything clever... let me know for the next chapter some ownership suggestions.**

**"What If?" Coldplay**

_What if there was no lie  
>Nothing wrong, nothing right<br>What if there was no time  
>And no reason, or rhyme<br>What if you should decide  
>That you don't want me there by your side<br>That you don't want me there in your life  
>What if I got it wrong<br>And no poem or song  
>Could put right what I got wrong<br>Or make you feel I belong_

What if you should decide  
>That you don't want me there by your side<br>That you don't want me there in your life

_Every step that you take  
>Could be your biggest mistake<br>It could bend or it could break  
>That's the risk that you take<em>

She is gone when I wake up groggy and sleep is stuck in my eyes. I roll over quickly to check the alarm. _Damn I'm late._ I take a moment to inhale her scent from the pillow, and then rush to the shower.

As I lather up my hands, I think back to our night together and instantly harden. I rub my chest and arms while avoiding my groin, but the call is too strong. After several pumps and twists, I'm relieved and somewhat sated.

My pager is beeping and I know my staff are wondering where I am. I dress quickly and head out, grabbing a McMuffin on my way to the hospital.

My day is busy and I don't have time to reflect on last night until I am driving home. You were beautiful and so tentative at first. The way you wanted me to control and dominate you was such a turn on.

As the house comes into view, I wonder if she is home. No car in the garage affords me the luxury of trying to compose myself before I'm face to face with her.

Just as I'm trying to look in the fridge for some sort of dinner I can fix, she pulls in. I wait at the door feeling the need to hug her; an attempt to connect with her. As much as I enjoyed last night sexually with you, there was no love, no emotional connection, and no lovemaking.

Making dinner is a tense affair and I feel the conversation struggling to survive. It used to flow so easy. She couldn't wait for me to get home- like I was enough for her. But now, I feel like I have to fight for any moment we spend together.

It hurts me to see her eyes light up when she talks with anyone but me. If she would just touch me… reassure me… so I would know she still wants me.

She leaves to go out with her friend and I search the internet for more hotels. Why is it that fucking is so hot with you, but what I want from her is love making?

My pager calls me back to the one place where the rules are still the same; where I know what should happen, and where I am confident in myself. The hospital is not only where I can heal others but has become my personal healing ground too.

I leave her a note and hope she'll be up when I get back. We need to talk soon about what is going on. She seems even more distant. Like a raft floating out to sea each wave taking it a little further away.

The drive to the hospital is short, but I think about the handcuffs I used last night on you and remember you mentioning nipple clamps in one of our emails. The urge to see you is overwhelming and remembering your need to be dominated, I decide I'm willing to risk meeting up again. I text you when and where, and order you to wear the clamps. I hope- with shaky breath- you respond.

The night is busy and I don't get another chance to check my phone until I'm heading home. I feel my heart start to pound as I see the blinking light.

**Yes**.

I push the opener and hope the garage door doesn't wake her. I try to change my clothes quietly and slip softly into bed without disturbing her. However, there is a secret side to me that hopes she will wake up and we can make love. It's been too long. I still want her but am not sure how to tell her anymore. I curl myself around her and sigh. Even if our hearts don't fit, our bodies still do, just like puzzle pieces.

I lay in bed wondering where our "oneness" went. We used to be on the same page about everything. Our friends envy how close we are, but they don't see behind closed doors. It's been rough keeping up the facade when I am breaking down inside.

I know I have blown it big this time; she wanted me to spend time with her, but I had commitments at the hospital. The cheesy quote is true: you don't realize what you got until it's gone. A common quote that never meant anything to me before has come true and it angers me that I let this happen.

The _sexting_ with you started up, and it was exciting and wonderful to feel that fire and passion again. The things you would say- suggest- it was new to me, it was exciting though if in all honesty it made me a little uncomfortable at first. There was the time you emailed me a picture of your breasts and the rush of seeing your perky nipples on the screen in front of me, took my breath away.

The sexually explicit texts contained things I'd never tried before, and perhaps thought were a little on the taboo side. Then, I would come home to an emotionally distant wife, which made the sexting something I looked forward to. I began visualizing all the more, what I could do to you, and have those things done to me.

I know she feels my erection as I hold her because her breathing slows too much. She turns towards me and offers "you can have a quickie if you want." I feel torn, the way she says 'you' and not 'we.' I want her to participate, not just take her to get off quickly. I don't want a quickie! That's all we have these days. It's as if she feels like she knew I would need this, but doesn't want it.

Nevertheless, I do need this. I want this with her, but now it is just to have a release. I need this to have a personal connection. I try to kiss her, but she turns away "My breath is not..."

"I don't care. I love kissing you," I say, but she just tries to nuzzle into my neck avoiding my lips that seek yours.

_Fuck That!_

I'm angry now, and I pull her boy shorts down probably too aggressively, but if a quickie is what she want that's what I'll give her. I push into her and she moans. I often wonder theses days if it's a real sound from feeling or if it's fake for my benefit I pump in and out trying to remember the good times, but all my mind can produce is you saying "I want you in my mouth."

God, I so want to come, but the images and emotions are tangled up. My brain is working so hard that all the blood is flowing to it, and leaving my erection. I roll off her. "I don't think it's going to happen tonight," I say. I hear her deep breaths, and know she will take this as another rejection from me.

I kiss her cheek to reassure her. "I'm just tired, love," I say. But the reality is if there were love involved, with small touches, kisses, and foreplay, I wouldn't last long. I would fill her… with me.

We turn to our own side of the bed and I drift off. Wednesday can't come soon enough for me.

The rest of the week follows this pattern. She and I have moments of fun and laughter, but always tinged, at least on my part, with guilt. Knowing I seek the perverse attention you give me, while she is the one I love…

I'm not sure my heart can take it.

A/N **Nipple clamps **are next. Thats right I bolded it. If you have any experience with these please let me know what it was like. Your reviews are like getting some sexting – it makes me all squirmy inside.

Only a few more chapters left :)

/N I have 3 sexy ladies who make me so much better. I hope this time I spell their twitter names right :)

**Suzie55** Thanks for my kick ass banner and for holding my hand through this. I love you!

**Stephk0525** Thank you my friend for making me a better pre reader by how you pre read for me. Love you tons. Happy Birthday a day late :)

**Robin** my beta – when you said yes you didn't think it would be this much work. Thank you darling.

I'm on twitter **Lemonmartinis **


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